Today, like yesterday, I feel a little tetchy; intolerant of others. It’s not disruptive like it has been in the past. It’s not eating away at me, but somewhere inside something is not quite right. Physically I am doing well, and my routine is taking shape: healthy eating, regular exercise, early mornings, writing my journal. I need to maintain at least a semblance of that routine at the weekend too.
On a separate note, the latest accounts contract I’m working on is drawing to a close and I have reached the point where I want it out of the way. The problem is that because I’ve had enough of it, my enthusiasm level is very low and the work is tending to drag on. This happens to me regularly. I start off working very well but have trouble finishing jobs. Another example is the decorating I started a week and a half ago. I left the job unfinished until yesterday when I put the final touches to it.
I do get bored easily. One of the problems I have with meditation, as well as the physical discomfort, is the boredom. After 15 minutes I’m ready to do something (anything) else. It would seem this is an aspect of my Child ego state. From what I have learned from Karaj, as my Parent ego state develops my boredom will disappear.
Karaj identified my tetchy nature of the past two days as a kind of panic attack. His advice is to stay with the feeling; stay with the panic. It’s no use to try and identify the cause because any such attempt immediately and automatically changes the nature of the feeling. This is best explained by borrowing from science. Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle of quantum mechanics tells us it is impossible to accurately measure two characteristics of an object (e.g. the position and velocity of an electron) because the very act of observation changes that which is being observed.
Similarly, if I were to try to find a reason for the cause of my panic, I would alter the feeling to such an extent that any explanation I might eventually come up with would no longer be applicable. What remains is for me to simply feel; stay with the panic and eventually I will know the reason. I do not have to search. In order to find I simply have to feel.