Yesterday I received a phone call from Eric inviting me down to London a day earlier to spend the night with some of the boys. Initially I was excited although I don’t particularly like one of the group. I told him I would give it some thought.
After the phone call I agonised over whether or not to go. I don’t have a great deal in common with that one person – although I’m assured he is much warmer than he often appears – and I’m not sure I want to spend an evening with a group of people when I can spend a quiet evening on my own.
I felt ill in my stomach for the rest of the day and decided not to go to London until Saturday, as planned. I would like to see everyone but I will see them on Saturday anyway so there is really no need to rush to London. I tried to phone Eric to inform him of my decision but couldn’t get hold of him.
Maybe I’m making something out of nothing. Maybe I should go. Maybe I should face whatever it is that is causing me to hesitate. This is exactly what I was talking to Karaj about yesterday. When his intuition says ‘don’t go’, he stays away, whereas I’m not sure whether it’s my intuition or just paranoia.
[The entry ‘Controlled Experiments’ goes a little further into the subject of ‘Intuition or Mind?’]
Right, I’ve just talked to Karaj about this whole thing and here goes:
- The excitement during the phone call is an indication that something else is going on. If it were just a meeting of friends then why am I excited? I can feel that something else is going on. This is my first clue.
- After the phone call I felt ill in my stomach – big clue. I had deliberately gone to lie down in order to be quiet and still and to be with myself. This is where the intuition resides. It is very subtle and the way to get in touch with it is to be very quiet and still. Even then it’s possible to miss it. In this case my stomach told me all I needed to know.
- The debate I have had with myself since the phone call has been taking place at a more dense level than the subtlety of intuition: should I, shouldn’t I? This is a dialogue between the negative Controlling Parent, saying that I couldn’t handle it if I went, and the Rebellious Child which says ‘Of course I can handle it. I’ll show them’. All the time I’m listening to this dialogue, I’m missing what my intuition is saying. That is why it is important to relax and be still.
- I tried to contact Eric but without success – another big clue. My confusion arose because I misinterpreted this clue. I thought because I couldn’t get hold of Eric to inform him of my decision not to travel, it must mean I am supposed to go. Wrong. The reason I couldn’t get through was because of the drama being played out. Again, the only option left open for me is to relax and let the drama take its course.
- I’m not keen on the one friend. He winds me up. I think things will be different when we meet again. Wrong. As Karaj says – if I’ve been done before, I’ll be done again.
Just because I am now more aware does not mean I am able to handle situations better. If I know I will be messed up, if I know there is negativity, then surely my awareness can help me to stay away.
After all this, I still decided to go.