The worst day so far. I had two glasses of water this morning thinking it might help to clear my system. It did. A few hours later I threw up. I spoke to Karaj. He says that everything is ‘lovely’. With the meditation it means the dirt is coming out. A fact supported by the vomiting. He spoke to me about Robert not listening to what he tells him but that at least I do. I trust Karaj even though I may not like some of the things he tells me. But that’s the whole point; I’m changing my patterns, I’m doing things differently. I don’t want my old loops to continue and Karaj is helping me to change.
Ate nothing all day; couldn’t even drink. Threw up again this evening. Alex phoned tonight. He’s been sacked. A minor glitch and, as he himself says, it’s probably done him a big favour. I didn’t even tell Alex that I’m unwell. It is so important, so vitally important to me that I get out of this loop. And I’m doing it. I feel satisfaction at enduring such pain on my own. Like my yoga teacher in Germany who, during his five months in the foothills of the Himalayas, was close to death, I’ll come out of this a stronger person. In every sense: physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
The pain today has been unbearable at times. What I would have given for a few hours undisturbed sleep. I’ve never known a headache like it; not just the intensity but also the duration – this is day three. And the nausea. To vomit when I haven’t even consumed anything. I have found it impossible to find comfort regardless of my position and it has made me restless and frustrated. The best sleep I had was the 90 minutes after I was sick this evening.
[This post, and all the others between 23rd July 2000 and 11th August 2000, should be read in conjunction with the current post, ‘It’s My Script’, from 8th August 2011.]