I have given further thought to the conversation I had with Karaj yesterday. My initial reaction was that I am not hard on myself at all. But that is discounting the influence of my Be Perfect driver which gives rise to comments such as ‘not good enough’ or ‘you should do better’ or ‘you’ll never be able to…’.
If I have something to do I usually dread doing it or I experience apathy towards it. I think this is mainly due to a lack of self-belief. I don’t have the confidence in myself to undertake even the simplest things – see my attitude towards navigation in Edinburgh. Over the last eight months, Karaj has shown infinitely more faith in me than I have in myself. That is all the evidence I need to validate claims that I am too hard on myself.
It’s true; the more I thought about it last night the more I realised that I don’t give myself a fair chance. Wanting the world to be a better place, a kinder place, is an external manifestation of my desire for the me to be kinder to myself. Simple. Over the last couple of weeks there have been moments of excitement with respect to the business as my Child has broken through and said ‘I can do this’.
Then in an instant my Controlling Parent has butted in and destroyed all my confidence with paranoid concerns about how I will cope with everything that comes my way. The truth is I don’t know how I will cope. What’s more, I don’t need to know. Either I will cope or I will not, and the chances are that I will cope very well and do a very good job because I am an extremely capable person. Look at the evidence.
Go easy on myself, don’t be so negative, there really is no need for it, and it is wholly unjustified. [Karaj: And look at your courage.]