Got up at 6am and exercised. Well done. Yesterday afternoon I had felt my determination to do this and this morning there was no question that I would stay in bed. At 5.40am there was a thunderstorm outside my window. It was as if the universe was giving me a little extra assistance. I exercised with pleasure and satisfaction. On my way to the house the swans were on the lake once again. I stopped to watch them, so graceful and serene.
As I returned home last night feeling very good about my new-found discipline, I wondered to myself whether Samantha would call. She always calls when I am feeling good. Within 10 minutes of me being home the phone rang. My first thought was that it was Samantha, but I have that thought pretty often. I picked up the phone and it was Samantha. I should have let it ring but my ego wouldn’t let me. She has some holiday and wants to see me. She misses talking to me (how ironic considering she does all the talking and none of the listening). She has had an old film developed and a photo of me made her cry – she even shed a tear on the phone. She said she would like to come over at the weekend. I told her I’m busy and wondered out loud why she wasn’t going to spend the time with her boyfriend. As soon as I had broached this subject I changed it.
The conversation didn’t take long and I agreed to ring her. After I hung up I considered contacting the men. I felt okay but I didn’t want to risk it so I phoned Leon. He wasn’t available so I left a message, nor was Sunil, another message, nor Dev. I left it there and thought maybe I’d ring later. I considered ringing George but somehow it didn’t feel right. Within 10 minutes Dev phoned me back and we chatted about Samantha and about his ex. He wants her to ring and feels tempted to get back with her if she were to ask. I told him just what Sunil had told him the day before. Don’t do it. Whatever is on offer he’s got something better to do – we all have. I had been fully justified in contacting the men. My chat with Dev had boosted my male energy and strengthened both my resolve and his.
I was hoping to get an early night when Leon returned my call. At first it was a struggle to listen because I was getting tired but as the story of his weekend with his girlfriend unfolded I woke up and was fully with him which pleased me very much. Things had not gone quite so well as he had expected and now his dilemma was whether to contact her or to leave her alone. He asked me and I told him that in that respect he was asking the wrong man because there’s only one thing I’d do and that’s leave her to it. We also chatted about his appraisal interview which he had yesterday. It seemed to have gone really well. Leon was strong and noticed differences in his behaviour which he attributed to the work he has done with Karaj and the group. More evidence of an individual’s progress. This serves as an inspiration to the rest of us. I really enjoyed our talk and as I write now I feel emotional as I recall the pleasure of an innocent phone call.
I went to bed feeling very contented and tried to empty my head and fall asleep. It worked but not before I had a slight paranoia attack about the advice I’d given to Leon. What if it all went wrong? What if his girlfriend ended it? What if..? I remembered Karaj’s words from yesterday that I need to grow up. All the guilt I feel, the comparisons I make, the worry I put myself through about what other people think and the nerves I experience in certain situations need to stop. And I can stop them myself. I simply have tell myself (my mind) to stop it. If necessary I exercise, do something physical, exhaust myself. Whatever I do it’s imperative that these thoughts and feelings cease. So, as I lay there worrying about whether Leon will act upon my words and the possible consequences of those actions, I told myself to stop it. Soon after I fell asleep.