6.30 E&M 60 mins. I had to drag myself out of bed this morning. I felt so tired and my back ached – I think I did too much sitting yesterday and not enough moving about. Today I begin fasting for three days. Just water, pineapple and pumpkin seeds. I am curious to see what happens.
I had a really good chat with Karaj this morning. I told him of my feelings of pointlessness. He told me it’s okay because I am seeking the truth and the truth is, there is no point. We are born, we grow and we die. That’s all there is to life. There is no point. Anything and everything I do is pointless so just do things for the hell of it. Karaj also pointed out that whilst everything I do may be pointless, it all has an effect on my world. For example, by digging the garden I have created a peaceful place for people to be. Maybe one day someone will be inspired to change history simply by being in the space I have created; and all because I shifted buckets of earth. I cannot possibly know the consequences of my actions. All I can do is act.
I told him about the lack of direction in my life when I believe I should be forging a career for myself. He told me I am building a career. I am becoming a rounded person who will work in the field of conflict resolution and do so in a peaceful way. That is what we are trying to create in this house and in the garden: a peaceful place where people can come and sort themselves out. My role will be to bring those people together. I am doing that now with the other clients and within the men’s group.
Just over a year ago when I started work at the house I had no contact with the clients and no confidence in myself to form relationships with any of them. Now, mainly through the progress I have made with Karaj and within the men’s group, the clients are beginning to relate to me as an extension of Karaj. Karaj says that slowly, people will start to open up to me. They will begin to tell me their life stories. This will happen because I am growing into the role I am creating for myself. All I need to do is to relax, observe what is happening around me and listen when people talk. It is all about creating relationships. Eventually I will work with executives, organisations and communities, bringing them together and helping them to resolve their issues and problems.
I have a career; I just don’t realise it. It isn’t as tangible as I think it should be and it isn’t as hard work as I think it should be. These are both important issues. I have always been seeking the truth, so I can either continue to do that or I can follow others and try to build a [more conventional] career. For me there is no choice, so if I am to find the truth I have to distance myself from all the noise society makes. The beautiful thing about it is that as I seek the truth my career will simply happen. So it seems that, unbeknown even to myself, I am on a career path. It is just an unconventional one. Society and its members will pressurise me to conform, but I have made my choice and I need to be straight with myself and follow the path I have chosen. People will tell me I am lazy and irresponsible because I am not choosing what they think I ought to. Be strong because, as I am now slowly realising, I am doing what I’ve always wanted to do.
The hard work aspect is also important because I view a successful career as being hard work and I expect to feel under pressure. If I do not feel under pressure then I assume that I am not achieving anything and that I am not working. This is not the case. Firstly, it is possible to work hard without it feeling like hard work and, secondly, I am achieving a great deal without being under pressure. I recall a conversation I had about work and money with a close friend six years ago. I said that rather than look to earn lots of money as my priority, if I could find a job I enjoy, it follows that I will do a good job, and if I do a good job then the money will automatically follow. His reply was that such a job doesn’t exist, but I never doubted that I could find one and, having had this conversation with Karaj, I have the feeling that I may be getting there. Obviously there is a lot of ‘hard work’ to do but everything about what Karaj and I discussed feels right. Even the obvious fear I have about dealing with figures of authority is almost a non-issue because I feel that slowly I am getting there too.
Another of my self-created stumbling blocks is the belief that I have to suffer in order to achieve what I want. This has a lot to do with seeing and hearing about other people’s suffering all around me. If I am not suffering I feel guilty. Stop it. Understand this: If I am not suffering then that is the best advert for my services. Simple.
Attachment. To do everything without attachment is the best way to live my life. When I worked at the bank I was among people who worked because they were either attached to their jobs or their salaries, or because they were attached to what those jobs and salaries allowed them to buy: a house, a car, an expensive girlfriend. Because there is no point to life, there is no point to anything we do and, therefore, there is no point in becoming attached to anything. If I am not attached then nothing matters, there is no pressure, I cannot get stressed and so I am a pleasure to be around. Let go.
This talk has been inspirational. Thanks Karaj.
I had a further chat with Karaj this evening before meeting Aubrey in the pub for the England game. Karaj said that until we sort ourselves out we cannot help anybody. We think we are helping but we are not. We think we are giving, but in reality we are taking. We cannot give anything if we are not okay in ourselves. Whereas when we are okay and we can remain unattached, we cannot help but give because we have self love which automatically flows out into the Universe. Don’t worry about the work Karaj has for me to do, don’t think about it. Relax. Use it as a device to sort myself out, because then I will be able to do anything. When I’m sorted out, I’m sorted.
I made it to the pub just in time for kick off and enjoyed a really entertaining match with an excellent England performance (England 4 Mexico 0) and another lovely evening with Aubrey. I felt comfortable and equal. The fasting has gone very well today. I have only eaten a few pumpkin seeds and a couple of slices of pineapple. Even when Aubrey ordered and ate some food during the football, I didn’t really feel tempted.