The numbness has increased in all areas. It is most noticeable in my left heel and foot, my left leg at the back of the thigh and in the buttocks. My right leg is also numb in the same places but to a lesser extent. Walking to the house was okay, but took more effort than usual. My legs feel heavy and balancing is just a little bit more tricky. I am in no danger of falling over but I am tending to tip forwards on occasion.
Karaj has not travelled to London. We sat and chatted. He told me I need to predict more. I need to predict everything. I need to plan my life – to know where I will be tomorrow, next year, in five years time. If I know that, then it will happen. If I simply drift, then I could end up anywhere. I also need to get excited about everything. The buckets, for example. I have recorded the numbers in my appraisal but I should be taking things further and having fun with the statistics. I could draw up a chart or a graph showing who has shifted how many buckets. I need to be enthusiastic about everything I do and explore all avenues. Use the tools I have at my disposal, be creative with everything I come into contact with. This will then create excitement in others.
[Karaj: It will sort your life out and get your focus off your emotional needs and onto being a man of substance and distinction.]
Karaj suggested I phone Calvin, Ishwar and Sunil and ask them all to come over this evening for a couple of hours so that we could be together and ultimately do a body meditation which will help me with my pain. He told me not to explain why I wanted them over as that would only spread the negativity of my situation. As it happened they did not ask any questions, and all said they would be there.
[Karaj: That is what happens when you stop fantasising and just act.]
In the afternoon Karaj and I built another raised bed in the garden for the next set of buckets. At one point I became annoyed at everything as a result of the pain I was in and the worry I felt about my legs gradually going numb. Karaj told me to talk and to keep on talking about it. We talked about the original football injury 14 years ago and how my dad had let me down in the weeks afterwards by not showing sufficient concern. Karaj believes that deep down he was not as disappointed as a father should be that I had suffered such an injury, the full extent of which was not revealed until the exploratory operation four months later. It is an interesting point of view and one that I cannot disagree with – that my father was somehow pleased that I would not become a footballer, because his father had prevented him from doing the same. The power of script.
Karaj said that it would seem that dad has been competing with his own sons, which is not what a responsible adult should be doing. There’s that word again: ‘responsible’. It’s no wonder I lack responsibility when I’ve learned all about it from my father. Karaj went on to say that this is my life. No matter what my dad or mum have done in the past I am now solely responsible for my own well-being. No matter how I feel, I have to retain the image of me being fit, well and healthy – that is what will help me sort myself out. If I have an idea, a picture in my head of where and who I want to be in two, three, five years time then everything I do will be with that target in mind
A Healing Meditation
In the evening I rested briefly before Sunil arrived. By this time my left leg had got worse – I could no longer stand on tiptoe. Sunil and I chatted and then he went out into the garden while I waited inside. I did not wait long before joining him in the garden. I had the distinct feeling I was worse off in isolation than if I were to be with the men. My feeling of well-being increased when Calvin and Ishwar arrived. They arrived late, by which time I had gone into self-doubt about the arrangements I had made with them. Mind fucking. I need to have the courage of my convictions and stick to them – have more confidence in my own abilities. Grow up!
I was conscious of my need to explain why I had asked them to come, but I didn’t. [Karaj: Goals do not need explanation.] We talked together and we were also quiet. Just being in the company of the other men was enough to take my mind off my discomfort and to lighten my mood.
Karaj came down, Arun arrived and together we did a meditation concentrating on a healthy and strong part of our bodies. In doing this we were being positive – not dwelling on the negative. Karaj told us to feel the sensations in the healthy part of the body and to allow those sensations and the goodness to spread to all parts of the body, then out into the room and onward into the world. It was a positive experience throughout. The difficulties I had with the exercise highlighted how much negativity I carry with me.
Arun talked about her experiences and how she has been through the same struggles time and time again. She went on to say that she is now determined not to move until she has been through it for the last time. I felt heartened by this because it put my situation in a more positive light. It may be another hurdle to overcome but as I do it I am taking a big step closer towards sorting myself out.
[Karaj: When you make a wave, everybody joins in that action.]
The alternative is to settle for what comes my way. The pain would still be there and I would simply blame the world rather than look at myself. I would moan about the state of the planet and become bitter towards other people. Just like my dad. I’ve nothing to lose because if I do nothing else with my life, I will almost certainly end up like my dad. Karaj has already told me that this is the life I am choosing and it is up to me to change things. The fight is on.
Karaj stressed, as he has all day, that I really need to be positive – send as much positivity as I can to the painful parts of my body and out into the world. This is the only way to heal myself. I left with Sunil and tried to be positive but was aware of being incongruent. Sunil explained that it is the trying which causes the incongruency, and this helped me to realise that if I am feeling negative, I must not try to be positive, I must simply go inside myself and be positive.
At home, as I washed up, I realised I am like a negativity junkie who has been fed all his life on negativity. In trying to give it up and be positive I need to AVOID ALL NEGATIVITY, and anyone who peddles negativity. This is serious (in a positive way!), because I saw tonight just how easy it is for me to be negative, and anyone bringing negativity into my space will induce in me my old habits and, if I am not careful, they will do so without me even realising.