I can feel the gloom descending once again, but this time I am prepared. All the circumstances are in place for me to walk out of here and start again: the chaos, the uncertainty, the boredom and the difficulty with my journey. But I know I have to stay. I have spent my entire life moving on from one place to another, from one job to another, and from one relationship to another. It’s time to settle down.
Part of the frustration I feel is my inability to go for long walks, or do anything which amounts to real physical exercise. Autumn is my favourite time of the year and at present, the weather is simply perfect for walks in the fresh air.
I sat in the garden after an enjoyable lunch with Arun, and bathed in the glorious Autumn sun. It occurred to me that the two visions I defined recently are both causing me to feel the way I feel. The thought of leaving my past behind, a subject which came up at lunchtime with Arun, is causing me to feel just the opposite. Now I am reaching the stage where I can move on with my life, I am craving aspects of my past. Relax, this is normal and natural. It’s the same with settling down – I am getting urges to move on. Again, relax because this is all to be expected. Allow myself to be entertained by the machinations of my mind.
I spent the afternoon preparing my appraisal for Karaj. Initially I was turned off by having to read through nearly 30 pages of what I have written over the last month but it has had the opposite effect. I feel positive and relaxed. I am doing well and as Karaj said yesterday, in four or five years I will be unrecognisable from the person I am today. I am getting there. Remember the bigger picture.
[Karaj: Your pain is slowing you down so you can learn the power of planning. Do not misuse the time.]