Karaj and I talked about my latest appraisal. He told me that I am very much in Child Ego State, highlighted by how much I am into myself, and how much I am wondering what other people are thinking (of me). He told me that I need to provide solutions.
[Karaj: You have to plan a campaign and believe in your goal. When you make a plan you change beyond recognition. And you need a plan otherwise you are going to go up and down, depending on how you feel.]
Predict & Plan
He also reported what Arun had said to him after our lunchtime chat yesterday. She said that I was competing with her in some way, but that there was no substance to it – just words. Karaj backed this up, telling me that this is what I am doing at present. I am using the words but there are no actions. I need a vision – something to hold on to and work towards. I also need to predict and plan how I will grow in the next two years (and beyond). By plotting my progress over the last two years, I can define how that development will continue. With something concrete in my hand I can inform the other men in the group and they will do their best to make sure I achieve my goals, and they will do so out of love.
One of The Lucky Ones
This is another aspect of the group (and life) of which I am ignorant. There is love in the group and we are helping, supporting, encouraging, challenging, and observing each other out of love. My competitive nature is still strong and it is interfering with the love in the group. Relax and feel the genuine warmth and care of the other men. Furthermore, I need to enjoy myself.
I appealed to Karaj: ‘How can I enjoy myself in a pressure cooker?’ That’s just it, though. I am one of the lucky ones. I am living the life I want to live. I am living the journey I wish to travel. That should be my enjoyment. The satisfaction of knowing that I have everything I have ever wished for is the source of my enjoyment. I am not being fair to myself and to the opportunity I have if I do not enjoy myself.
[Karaj: You chose your path when you were little: to find the truth. Stick to it.]
We continue with our lives regardless of the pain we suffer, plugging the holes as best we can with the trappings which society offers us because it seems an easier alternative to looking at ourselves. As Karaj told me, my life up to now has been a failure. None of my relationships have worked, none of my jobs have satisfied me, so it follows that something has to change. My time with Karaj is the best opportunity I have ever had and will ever have to initiate that change, to stick with it and to see it through.
So, considering just how fortunate I am to be in this position, what more is there to do but enjoy it. Enjoy everything about it because this is what I want – it’s what I have always wanted. So live it.
We also talked about the worrying I do. At present the main focus of my worries is my back. The thing is, the more I worry, the worse things will become. The more concern I have for my health, the more it will deteriorate. Yet another reason to lighten up and enjoy. I also have a tendency towards extremes. We discussed one of my visions – cutting ties with my past. I do not have to go to the extreme and cease communication with everybody I have ever known. Just relax and remember that I need to separate from certain people before I can have a relationship with them, and I need to quieten my football activities. By living extremes I am putting unnecessary pressure on myself.
Sunil arrived and I welcomed him with a cup of tea and a chat about his latest circumstances. He has also been feeling down of late and as we talked we began to laugh and have fun together. We had lunch and Arun also joined us. After hearing her feedback from yesterday I was very aware of my behaviour. I was a little withdrawn at first but I made sure I got involved in the conversations. Ishwar turned up, which was a lovely surprise, and we chatted about football before he, Sunil and Karaj moved out into the garden to erect the latest raised bed.
I lay down for most of the afternoon to rest my back. I was aware of my impotence while the others were busy at work, and I struggled with it slightly but kept in touch with the men by popping out every now and again and also by providing them with much-needed cups of tea. Eventually Robert arrived and I welcomed him with a smile, a cup of tea and a chat. In the feedback at the end of the afternoon, he told me that our talk had helped to de-stress him. Sunil said much the same thing about the welcome I had extended to him. I had not realised the power of what I had thought of as an innocent chat but as Karaj pointed out, it is not an innocent chat and it is all part of the invaluable service I provide when I welcome people. Robert added something about my privileged position here in the house. He said, ‘You are lucky to be here and we are lucky to have you, and we are going to hang on to you’. Thanks Robert.
When Dev arrived I made sure, in light of his vulnerability in the house, of welcoming him warmly, and telling him that he is safe and in the right place. Later, when he dropped me off, he thanked me for the welcome. It moved me to see the impact I’d had on him. A lesson learned.