07.00 E&M 60 mins. I realise that I am having to start afresh every morning with the pain in my back. That’s okay. My problem has been that I have expected progress all the time, which is mentally exhausting. My rehabilitation still has 11½ months to run and that is only until the first review because after that it will continue to run for the rest of my life. So relax.
The more I am obsessed with something (like Germany) the less likely it is to happen. It is an obsession not a vision. Be in the here and now.
Negativity & Not Learning
Robert phoned in a very negative space; he has been ever since Karaj shouted at him last night to stop being so negative. He spoke to me and I made him laugh, which he said helped him, but what I should have done is told him to go home, or to phone Kuldip or to go back to his wife; be firm with him and don’t tolerate his indulgence in negativity. It is Friday and his boss isn’t even in the office. He should be smiling. He should be picking up on the positivity here but he isn’t. Nor does Kuldip. In fact when I told him about Kuldip’s latest episode from yesterday he thanked me. I found this strange and asked him why. He told me he was grateful for being kept in the picture but I had the feeling he was thinking about himself being next to leave.
I need to understand that he is simply not learning. I learn very quickly and I implement my learnings as soon as I can. Robert does not – he keeps saying that he wants to succeed, but in talking about it he is making too much noise and taking no action. That is also exactly what Kuldip does. He keeps making the same mistakes again and again.
In the evening Dev and Priya arrived and we sat chatting. When Karaj and Sunil arrived later we all sat together for a supervision session which started with talk about Robert’s negativity. The issue of negativity is a serious one and we must all be aware of it and of people sucking our energy. They will do it without us even realising.
Feel The Sensations
I need to be aware of my body, know my body and be sensitive to all fluctuations I experience; it is those sensations which tell me what is going in. Equally important is the verbalisation of these sensations – only then can I check them. Also, as I verbalise them I will know (feel) whether what I am saying is congruent with what I am feeling. I am noticing this more and more these days. I sometimes say things for the sake of it or because I think it’s what I should say – as I am doing so I can feel the incongruency and, compared to the times when I know what I am saying is right, I can feel that this incongruency is wrong. Over the last few weeks I have witnessed these differences in myself and that awareness is making me more effective. I am tuning in to situations because I am tuning in to myself.
Dev’s written feedback on the Cambridge course is insufficient. I read it two days ago and I cannot remember what it said, which says it all, really – all I know is that I felt he had not finished it because he had not gone far enough. He had not communicated his enthusiasm in any way. Karaj told him to engage fully.
An Intense Challenge
Robert arrived and was challenged by Karaj for one and a half hours. Robert was very conflictual and did his usual trick of blocking the challenge, but Karaj did not let go. He pursued Robert until they resolved the issue. This was a learning point for me: it is possible to pursue someone, in love, and get to the bottom of things. Because Karaj is so sensitive to the fluctuations in his body, his body can tell him whether Robert is being congruent or not and can challenge appropriately.
[Karaj: First you have to decide whether someone is worth it. Then challenge them.]
The main points of Karaj’s challenge were that hostility and conflict have been triggered in Robert but the question is why? What has happened to him that such hostility has been brought to the surface? The other point was that Karaj and Robert need to be in a relationship together, not isolated. Working from these two premises and with the tools with which Karaj’s body provides him (we all have these tools), he unearthed the reason for Robert’s strong reaction on Thursday. At work Robert had sought compliments from his (female) boss and when she gave him none – she simply remained professional – it stirred something inside him which was triggered by Karaj’s challenge to him that evening. Fascinating.
Tonight I struggled to see what Karaj said about why he had been so vociferous with Robert yesterday. He said he (Karaj) had felt the danger. He had been looking out all week for Robert’s next fuck-up and he knew the situation is serious (the further along our path we go, the higher the stakes). He saw a problem and his urgency was portrayed in the manner of his challenge to Robert yesterday, as if he was trying to wake Robert from the torpor of his script. Karaj told me that, at this stage in my development, I am not expected to be able to see the same things as Karaj. I am doing my job well and I should simply carry on.
The Inner Journey
Sunil talked about having regrets about his life but that they do not get him down as much as they have done in the past. Karaj told him that everything he has been through has led him to where he is now; so ‘pray to God to put you on the straight path’.
Priya talked about her issues with her mother and how she has tried to please her. Karaj simply said, ‘Don’t try. Leave it’. She went on to say that she looks for compliments in other relationships but when she receives them she cannot handle them. When she said that she also talks too much Karaj said, ‘So don’t. Your inner journey cannot be shared. Don’t do it. Be subdued. Contain your excitement.’ People can feel threatened by a smile (‘What are you so happy about?!’) or enthusiasm or success. However, we should never take away someone else’s success – always compliment them.
We finished at 2am