Overslept. At the house Karaj told me that this is to do with my emotional reaction to yesterday’s events. I felt doubly rebuffed because I had initially exaggerated my point in order to join in and be a part of the seriousness with which people reacted to our Sicily papers being a part of Robert’s stolen documents. I was negative and emotional at a time when the issue had already been dealt with.
The truth is I am not particularly bothered because I consider that I have very little to lose. When I talked to Karaj about this he told me that I have everything to lose. This caused more confusion and I was no longer sure how to react to the situation or how to deal with the problem. I became annoyed at my naïvety. I see it as causing my resentment because I cannot understand or deal with people and how they act, and I have no clue as to how this world works and that’s why I get resentful and angry. My thoughts continued and I saw that I have similar issues to Sunil: I do not want to be in this world and (probably) ever since I nearly died as a one-year-old I have harboured fantasies about not belonging or even leaving this world.
Be positive and get into this world. (It’s okay.)
I talked to Karaj about all this. My resentment is not connected to my naïvety at all. The resentment is caused by the real world not conforming to my own view of how things should be and this is caused by me living in a fantasy world. My naïvety is a positive thing and it leads to curiosity about the world. The combination of naïvety and curiosity is very powerful.
Karaj said that he was in his fantasy world for a while yesterday when he was challenging Robert (emotionally). He came out of it and back into the real world and was able to deal with it all appropriately. That is also why he challenged me so forthrightly, because he had come out of his fantasy world and could clearly see me in mine. He went on to say that he is often in fantasy: ‘I don’t want to work’. He withdraws and has to fight his way back to reality.
My goals for today are to:
- Be positive
- Encourage people
Talked further with Karaj about being emotional when I am in my own world. He put me straight, telling me that I am emotional because I am in no world at all. He reaffirmed this by saying that the newsletter is his world with its laws and procedures. The point is that I can have my own world but it must have laws and procedures which allow me to exist in the real world too. Ultimately the real world is where I need to be.
I told Karaj that this whole week has been useful for me and very positive. Once again, he countered me saying that there shouldn’t be positive or negative. Things should just be. He added that when we live in the moment, dealing with life as it comes our way with our planning and procedures, then there is no fear, no anxiety, no frustration, no resentment, no highs or lows, nothing positive or negative, just existence, harmony, oneness and peace.
Spent the afternoon and evening working on the solid flower bed in the front garden. I needed the physical work to wake me up and it did just that. I enjoyed working with all the men and felt really alive as a result. For the last three hours we worked very well as a team to get the bed finished. I was able to practice being positive and encouraging and, once I had overcome the initial problems of trying to force it, I relaxed and it became very natural.
We had regular feedback sessions and, over the course of the day, we discussed the importance of criteria. Without criteria I fall back into feelings and I become emotional. It is my criteria which produce purposeful activity and also provide stability. Robert gave an example of a boss at work who could easily have become emotional about a problem he needed to sort out, but he didn’t. He had his criteria and he did what he needed to meet those criteria; to get the job done.