Started the day with exercises and a chat with Karaj. We talked about my lack of analysis. With Ishwar during the second exercise on Saturday, I did not analyse my efforts to get the conversation going. Instead I made myself wrong, like I always do. In addition, I am trying to conquer my script. What’s the point? My script will always be with me and that is what I can analyse. Start from, ‘I must be in script, now where is it?’
Karaj is looking for his script all the time. Maturity is knowing your script all the time – all the time. Karaj added that when I talk about anything it must contribute to me as a person (and to my vision) in a way that my script becomes visible.
When I analyse my efforts and my achievements, I analyse my script. I made the comment that if I am always in script and that is what I need to analyse, then it should be easy because I have all the answers. Karaj explained that this statement is about withdrawal and not communicating. It is announcing my intent to go into myself and do some deep analysis. I need to keep communicating.
My lack of analysis was highlighted when Karaj and I went for breakfast. The waitress brought an incorrect order and I took it as further confirmation that my day was not going well. I took it personally and got flustered. I was annoyed with the waitress for getting the order wrong and yet my please others wanted to make it okay for her. Had I analysed her when I gave the order I would have been able to predict the problem. I had observed another mistake of hers as I ordered, and saw that she had not taken the reprimand from her senior seriously.
Anyway, it was only when Karaj gave his analysis – ‘You’re fucked up, relax‘ – that I relaxed. Back at the house we talked about my lack of analysis causing problems for me, and unnecessary work for Karaj. Yesterday evening, for example, one phone call from Calvin, who was being negative about his situation, sucked my energy. Furthermore, I was not strong or straight enough to challenge him about his negativity. All this has caused a slow start to the day – something I could have predicted had I analysed. Calvin sucked my energy with his negativity during our phone call yesterday. The same is true of Robert whose negativity is everywhere at the moment. As Karaj said, just five minutes with him will cost me three hours of my time and energy.
It is not enough to simply observe – analyse situations with questions such as:
- Why is this happening?
- What is the person’s script?
- What is my script?
- How will this have consequences for me now and in the coming days, weeks, months and years?
Spent the evening with Calvin setting out an action plan for a meeting with his ex-wife. He remained anxious and negative throughout. I persevered but protected myself with predictions that Calvin would keeping butting any positive moves I made.