During this last week, I gradually became more congruent. Back home on Monday, after a weekend with my friends in London, I started to bash myself up for not being more sociable with them. I am being too harsh and too exacting with myself because I was sociable. Nonetheless, I felt very low as I reflected on my life and how I seem to be good for nothing. Why do I do this to myself? Talked to Karaj about my attitude towards women. He tells me I hate them. He has told me this before and I have accepted it, but now I need to take it on board. Together with the comments I found in the weekend’s summary that things got done more effectively because I was not around to cause confusion, I wonder whether I am of any use at all. A very negative day today. Thoughts of leaving are the only way to stay sane at the moment.
On Tuesday morning, after an appointment in town I took the bus home. There was a little girl playing with the ring tones on her mobile phone. I was instantly annoyed. Her mother did nothing except shrug her shoulders and say there was nothing she could do about it. I got even more annoyed. It was then that I saw what Karaj meant yesterday. I do hate them. At home I wrote to Francis. I probably won’t send the letter but it helped me to see where I am: caught between commitment and running away. That’s where I have been all my life. Struggled to get through the day. Karaj arrived back in the evening and we talked about the incident on the bus with the little girl and her mother. Karaj heralded my declaration that I hate women as congruent… at last!
Had a heated argument with Karaj on Wednesday. I finally shouted at him in my frustration. I’ve had enough. He talked about the sadness of his own life. I think he does a good job of hiding it/covering it up/dealing with it, but the sadness is still there. This touched me in a way that said: he is human. Not that I revere him as some hero or godhead, but he gives the impression that he is always right (even when he’s wrong) and that life is not a problem for him. In the WSG session I was challenged and went straight into AC. I cannot seem to help it and I hate what happens to me when I (instinctively) make myself wrong. Recovered and contributed for the rest of the session. When I try to say something, it is wrong; but when I relax and things come to me, I am accurate. The group finished at 23:00. I continued to work until 01:00.
On Thursday, Karaj read my letter to Francis and said it was a summary of my year, of where I have got to. It’s great that I am where I am, which is funny really because it feels shit. Again yoga was good, and in the afternoon I rested, but the rest was uneasy as my mind went to work on all sorts of comparisons and conclusions that I am no good.
I talked to Simran yesterday about where I am. He is there too. We both know what is good for us but we still needed to verbalise things. In the evening’s supervision I felt more relaxed.
Today I seemed depressed to others but actually was feeling okay. I was allowing myself to hate whatever it is I hate. I noticed that, although I have these negative feelings and they stop me from being charming, they do not prevent me from being civil. A refreshing novelty and much more healthy than trying to please people. Felt more relaxed and more congruent all day and was, therefore, able to contribute and challenge people appropriately and more forcefully.