Just over a week has gone by since the end of the silent retreat. Initially, I had wondered how long the effects would last. Given the previous post, it’s no surprise to report that the effects are still there. The intensity from the silence and the satsangs has understandably dropped off a little, but there is a fundamental change to how I feel. And it’s building momentum. It is precisely as Mooji had said: The more you are with the is-ness, the more it will draw you in.
When there is noise – conversations, activities, daily dramas, etc. – my attention is so obviously drawn to external events. But any time I find myself alone is a chance to be quiet. In the quietness, I am there. Effortlessly. Distractions in the form of thoughts and feelings can be more subtle. Therein lies their power to sidetrack. However, when they escalate and become obvious, the shift to observing them from the place of awareness seems automatic.
In all of this, there is a tangible feeling that the gaps in awareness between noise and quiet, obvious and subtle are being bridged all the time.
Located in the heart, the spaciousness is the first thing I notice, followed by the freedom from the weight of personhood. I have tried to explain this in previous posts, but feel I have not done it justice. Compare personhood to my training journals and we get closer to what I mean when I talk about letting go. Those journal pages represent a detailed project of rigorous and sustained effort. The entries were mostly a joy to write, and I benefitted hugely from the exercise. But it still required discipline and application, and when Karaj told me there was no longer any need to keep it up, I was relieved.
That’s how it feels to let go of personhood. I worked hard on the project and it brought me great pleasure and insight. But there is relief at relinquishing it. I gave it everything and it has served its purpose. Now I can focus on what lies beyond.
Following on from the sense of space and freedom, there is an intuitive knowing that this is the natural state. From here, everything is easier, makes more sense, and is more beautiful than anything which might be achieved from the place of personhood. And there is love. Love for the Self, for the world, and for existence. I am only beginning to feel my way around this, but I can sense it growing.
Other helpful pointers, which have barely begun to bear fruit, are Mooji’s appeals to honour the is-ness. Marinate in it. Be it. See it as the greatest friend you could meet, and simply spend time with it. Remain there.
Also, rather than talk about it, allow the influence it has on your demeanour to be the proof of its effects and existence. That is certainly happening. I have already noticed how the unwanted aspects of my behaviour are subsiding. And as they disappear, only the good stuff remains. That last sentence reminds me of an instruction from the retreat: to allow the fire of pure awareness to burn that which we are not, until only that which we are remains. The fire has been ignited. And one week on, its intensity is building.